Trace Memory
by Secrets-and-Smiles
Summary: Jack and Ianto come to a painful understanding when Michael re-appears in their lives. No spoilers for the novel and it is not necessary to read David Llewellyn's Trace Memory to understand this fic. Please note that there is mild swearing included.


**Author's Note: **Please note that there is a little swearing in this story. Torchwood is owned by the BBC and Trace Memory is a novel by David Llewellyn.

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"If there's anything you need to do," said Ianto, "you should just do it, I don't _own_ you. I can't _stop_ you." Trace Memory – p.163

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Ianto sighed heavily as he climbed into bed, alone for the first time in months; he settled onto his back and blinked wearily at his bedroom ceiling. Normally Ianto had no trouble sleeping, it was usually staying asleep that proved to be tricky as memories of cannibals and Canary Wharf continued to plague his dreams but the initial act of getting to sleep itself was normally easy. Usually Ianto was too tired after a long day of aliens, tech retrievals and saving the planet and if it was a quiet day at Torchwood, an energetic Jack would tire him out enough for him to easily sleep. But tonight was different. Tonight Ianto wondered exactly what Jack was doing and hated himself for wondering.

"You practically told him to" Ianto muttered to himself, "you gave him the go ahead." _If it was even yours to give_ a traitorous thought whispered inside Ianto's head.

Ianto couldn't help but replay the conversation that he had had earlier with Jack and wonder why he had said what he said. Surely Jack knew that he hadn't meant it? The 'I don't own you' part of his speech was true enough but Ianto couldn't help but wonder why he had said 'I can't stop you.' That would imply that he hadn't wanted Jack to go to Michael.

Ianto screwed his eyes shut and turned on his side, curling his legs and snuggling into his duvet. The truth was he didn't want Jack to be with Michael, he was quite frankly getting fed up of all of these past and future lovers of Jack finding their way into ruining the brief span of time that was supposed to be his and Jack's.

Ianto's eyes snapped open again, shocked at his own thoughts. He saw this as his final fling, relationship... whatever it was. Unconsciously, he saw his time with Jack ending, not when he met someone else or Jack got bored, but with his own death.

Ianto exhaled noisily as the realisation of his feelings for Jack hit him with brute force. "Shit" he whispered into the darkness.

His muscles tensed as he heard as the noise of a key scraping at his front door cut through the silence of his flat. He glanced at his alarm clock and saw that it was now the early hours of the morning so it couldn't be his sister coming around, which left only one person.

Ianto's eyes strained to pierce through the darkness as he listened to the door to his flat open and shut with a muffled thump. He rolled his eyes at his lover's attempts to be quiet as Jack tripped over something in his hallway and cursed loudly.

Ianto wasn't sure if he wanted to see Jack. Had he spent the night with Michael? Or had Michael not put out so Jack had returned to the easier option? Ianto closed his eyes tightly and tried to ignore his own thoughts, tears started to leak out from underneath his eyelids and he felt angry at himself for feeling almost betrayed.

"I'm a part time shag" Ianto muttered, echoing Owen's scathing words.

"Ianto?" Jack whispered. "Are you awake?"

Ianto could sense that Jack was stood in the doorway of his bedroom and wondered if he should just pretend to be asleep.

"Yan?" Jack whispered.

The nickname that Jack only used when they were alone cut through Ianto and he couldn't help but curl his body inwards.

"I am now" Ianto lied, not wanting to admit to Jack that he had been awake all night thinking.

"Sorry" said Jack, not sounding sorry at all.

Jack flicked the light switch and the bright light made Ianto wince and sit bolt upright in bed, "turn that off!" he shouted.

The grin slipped off of Jack's face, "are you okay?" he asked, noticing that Ianto looked upset.

"I would be if you turned that bloody light off!" Ianto demanded, squinting at Jack angrily.

"Okay, okay!" Jack said defensively, plunging the room back into darkness. He didn't move from the doorway though, "you going to tell me what's wrong?" he finally asked.

Ianto huffed loudly as he realised that Jack wasn't going to let it go and switched his bedside lamp on. The dim light barely lit up the room and Jack remained half cloaked in shadow but he could still see that Jack looked concerned.

"I'm fine" Ianto stressed, feeling uncomfortable and simultaneously wanting Jack to both leave and stay with him so that he knew that he wasn't with Michael.

Jack shrugged and said, "okay, you're fine."

Ianto's eyes narrowed, Owen's taunting words were clearly true if Jack was happy to accept that he was fine, when he clearly wasn't. "What are you doing here?" Ianto snapped.

Jack frowned, "I usually sleep here... well sometimes. I didn't think that you'd mind."

"Well I do" Ianto retorted angrily.

Jack cocked his head to one side, "have I done something to piss you off?"

Ianto crossed his arms across his bare chest and said, "yes. You woke me up."

Jack looked at Ianto for a moment, an unidentifiable expression on his face before asking, "is this about Michael?"

Ianto's stomach dropped and he could feel his cheeks flush, "what? No! It's you and your thinking that wandering around other people's flats at stupid o'clock in the morning is normal."

Jack cocked his head to the right, narrowed his eyes and said, "you don't usually complain when I come here... this is about Michael."

"Not everything is about you and your love life Jack!" shouted Ianto, anger taking over him. To his horror, Ianto could feel tears pressing at his eyes and he just wanted this conversation to be over. "Are you sleeping or are you leaving?" Ianto asked; his shoulders slumping as the urge to shout at his lover disappeared and left him feeling deflated.

For a long time Jack didn't say anything and Ianto just rolled his eyes in frustration. "Just go" he ordered wearily.

Ianto turned off his bedside light and turned his back to Jack, not wanting to watch him walk out of his flat. A muffled thump made Ianto's spine stiffen as he realised that Jack was actually undressing instead of leaving. A few moments later, Jack lifted up the duvet and slid into the bed. Ianto said nothing, not trusting himself not to spill all of his feelings whilst he was feeling so tired and emotional.

"Yan?" Jack whispered concerned.

Ianto flinched as he felt Jack mould himself around his body, thick fingers trying to force their way inside his own clenched fists.

"I think that you should just go" Ianto whispered. "I can't do this tonight." As he said this though, his body betrayed him as his fingers loosened, allowing Jack's fingers to entwine with his.

"Why did you tell me to go to Michael if it was going to upset you this much?" Jack whispered.

Ianto's eyes clenched and he buried his face into his pillow in an attempt to stop any tears, "so you did go to him then" he answered dully.

"Yes" Jack admitted. "I've missed him."

Ianto tried to pull away from Jack, his skin recoiling at his very touch as the image of Jack and Michael naked and together burned through his mind. He couldn't roll away however, as Jack merely tightened his grip on him.

"We only talked" Jack whispered, putting his chin on Ianto's shoulder. "I promise you."

Ianto shook his head, Jack had never promised him fidelity and he couldn't trust a word that he said.

"It wouldn't matter" Ianto whispered bitterly, "you can do what you want."

Jack pressed a kiss to Ianto's shoulder and said "I want to stay with you and you clearly want a monogamous arrangement."

The word 'arrangement' added fuel to Ianto's anger. "Arrangement?" he sneered, still unable to look at Jack. "Is this what this is? An _arrangement_?"

Jack huffed and rolled onto his back, "what do you want it to be then?" he snapped.

Ianto remained silent for a moment, unable to voice his inner heart's desires, knowing that they would just push Jack away.

"Just leave it" Ianto begged wearily.

Jack rubbed a hand over his face tiredly and eyed the dark, huddled shape next to him. "No" he said finally, "I'm not leaving it until you tell me what exactly I've done wrong."

"Nothing" Ianto said with conviction, "now go to sleep."

Jack sat up and leant over Ianto as he switched the bedside lamp on again, "not until you tell me what is going on Ianto. What have I done? I can't help it if ex-boyfriends randomly appear out of nowhere!"

Ianto stayed on his side, unable to face Jack. "It's not that" Ianto sighed. "I think that we want different things."

Jack froze and looked down at Ianto, "what do you mean?"

Ianto sat up against the headboard but still did not look at Jack. "I want a relationship" he said finally, "and you don't."

"I never said that" Jack said defensively.

Ianto looked at his lover incredulously, "you always say that you don't do commitment and you flirt with everything that has a pulse!"

Jack wanted to make a joke about some life forms not having a recognisable pulse but sensibly decided that this was not the time. "I said just now" Jack protested. "That I want to be with you and you want monogamy."

"Yes" Ianto said exasperated, "you said that you want an arrangement not a relationship!"

Jack rolled his eyes, "semantics."

Ianto frowned, "it's not and you know it."

"Look" Jack said impatiently. "I want what you want. If you want monogamy, let's do monogamy."

Ianto looked away, "I'm not forcing you to do something that you don't want."

"I'll be honest" Jack said. "To me monogamy is odd, where I come from people live in groups and are free to love more than one person-"

"That is such bollocks!" Ianto interrupted. "You had what, thirty? Forty years of that kind of culture? You've had over one hundred years to get used to the idea of monogamy...couples..." Ianto's voice trailed off as he took in the look of horror on Jack's face.

Jack swallowed heavily and said incredulously, "you... you think that I was forty when I died for the first time?"

Ianto stared at his lover and couldn't work out if he should laugh at Jack's mortified expression or get angry that Jack was again ignoring what he was saying and focusing on the wrong thing.

"That's not the point" Ianto protested.

"I was thirty eight when I met the Doctor for the first time!" Jack continued indignantly. "And I looked good for thirty eight! I could have passed for twenty nine!"

"Jack-" Ianto began.

"Bloody forty, how dare you!" Jack raged, getting out of bed and standing with his hands on his hips.

At that point Ianto couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up through his body as he took in the sight of his angry lover naked but for the thick white socks on his feet. He quickly clamped a hand over his mouth in an attempt to muffle the sound but Jack had clearly heard as his eyes narrowed.

"I'll have you know that I haven't got one grey hair on my head!" Jack said irritably.

"Maybe not on your head!" howled Ianto, giving up the pretence of not laughing much to Jack's annoyance.

Jack launched himself onto the bed and pinned Ianto down, "I'll show you who's old" Jack grinned in a characteristic change of mood.

Ianto didn't smile though and just shifted uncomfortably, "you can't solve this with sex Jack" he said finally.

Jack remembered what they had actually been speaking about and instead of running away, took a deep breath instead and looked into Ianto's eyes.

"I can't promise that I'll always get it right Ianto" he said quietly. "I'm _old_" he continued through clenched teeth, "and stuck in my ways but I'll try. I want to try... for you. For us."

Ianto looked up at Jack and wasn't sure what to say.

"Yan?" Jack whispered, rubbing his nose against his lover's. "Don't give up on me."

"I love you" Ianto said suddenly.

"Don't" Jack immediately said.

Ianto just sighed and shifted his gaze away from Jack's, staring just above the immortal's shoulder. "Well that's that then" he said finally. "I love you but you don't love me, so what's the point?"

Jack shook his head and tightened his grip on Ianto's wrists, "don't be an idiot. Of course I love you, I have for a long time but Yan... people that love me die or leave or hate me in the end."

Ianto's breath hitched and he said, "you love me?"

Jack stared at Ianto for a long moment and then nodded slightly, "but it will ruin everything" Jack whispered.

"I won't hate you" Ianto promised.

"You'll grow old. You'll go from looking like my toy boy to me looking like a gold digger."

Ianto wrinkled his nose at the words 'toy boy' but then softened his features as he listened to what Jack was saying. "Who cares what other people think?" he asked. "The only problem will be if you stop fancying me if I go bald."

Jack gave a small smile and said, "I'm not opposed to dating a bald guy." His face fell and he continued, "you'll leave me."

"I won't" Ianto swore.

Jack smiled sadly, "you will one day. It's inevitable."

Ianto moved his arms and framed Jack's face with his hands, "I'm sorry. I'll never leave you willingly."

Jack buried his face in his lover's neck and tried to contain the sudden tears that pricked at his eyes, "I'm sorry that I made you feel second best" he whispered. "I just find it hard to love knowing that I'll never get to have a happy ending."

Ianto clutched Jack to him, surprised at how open Jack was suddenly being and wondering what on Earth he could say or do to ease this brave man's terrible burden.

Ianto forced Jack to raise his head and look at him again before saying, "we won't have the best ending Jack and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But we'll have a good life together. If all I can do is give you a few good memories, surely that's worth fighting for? Surely that's a life worth living together?"

Jack couldn't find the words to reply so just kissed Ianto gently before shifting and resting his head against Ianto's chest, hoping that the sound of Ianto's strong heartbeat would soothe him.

Ianto couldn't explain how he was feeling, he finally had confirmation of Jack's feelings for him but he strangely felt empty instead of happy. He apparently did own Jack's heart, albeit temporarily but their love was always going to end in tragedy and they both knew it.

Emotionally drained, Ianto wearily stretched and turned off the lamp, once again plunging the room into darkness. The silence of the room weighed down on Ianto and he closed his eyes, desperately trying to pretend that he couldn't feel Jack's tears burning against his skin.


End file.
